Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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