roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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