every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
