Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
worst night to have a conscience
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
