Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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