theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
