I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
