You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
