At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
