Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
