Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
