U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
