Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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