You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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