I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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