You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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