her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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