Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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