Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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