oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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