By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
