I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
