I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
