Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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