I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
