Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
