im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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