I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
