WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
