My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
