You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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