Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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