My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
