After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
