i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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