she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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