somebody snuck up and got me drunk
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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