Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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