worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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