I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
