we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
