11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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