this beer tastes like vomit already
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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