You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
