I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
