I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
