my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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