Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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