Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
