Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
