youre lurking in front of me
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
there's paper in my vomit.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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